5 Reasons Your Valentine’s Date Will Suck Balls

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No, I’m not talking about this kind of ball sucking.

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Valentine’s day has arrived. How do we know?

Just watch your TV for ad campaigns encouraging you to buy expensive trinkets, or visit any store that’s stocking red useless garbage.

The mainstream expectation is for you to take a girl out on a fine date. And not to Olive Garden, although, you’d be surprised by how difficult it is to get a reservation even there for the big V.

If you sit out Valentine’s day, you’re a big loser. Just ask any mainstream thinking human. Apparently one day every year makes or breaks your viability as a human being.

Here at Fuckbook, we know better. We know you’re a mere 20 seconds away from meeting someone who wants to fuck near you.

But not everyone understands this. And some of you who do understand this still fall for the crap. And you end up scrapping your iPhone virtual Rolodex for an awkward date.

So I’m here to offer you up a cold reminder that hopefully dissuades such action. Please share this with any friends who might be caught up in the struggle.

You’ll Struggle for a Reservation

Valentine’s day means awkwardly eating dinner out.

So it stands to reason that you’ll need a reservation. This means hours upon hours of overthinking where a good place is that has an open reservation; because, in the end, any place that seems decent will only give you 4 PM or 10 PM.

This is because the lamers have been planning to impress some girl for months. At least, months before you caved to the silliness of this fraudulent holiday. So now you’re way behind the 8-ball, trying to guess if the Emperor’s Palace is as nice as the pictures look and if it’s worth the 73-minute drive.

So you’ll beat yourself up negotiating which worse option to take.

You’ll Spend a Ton of Money

Once you’ve chosen a completely shitty option, you’ll get to spend at least four times the going rate for it.

All restaurants upcharge for Valentine’s day, bet your life on it. So you’ll shell out hella cash to participate in the big day.

So make sure you empty your savings for that stringy orange chicken.

You’ll Dress Like a Douche

You’re going to need to break out your finest threads. In fact, you are probably too late to get them dry cleaned, so you’ll need to mist that shirt and pants with water and then hang them while you take a super long shower.

You will experience hours of discomfort in shoes you haven’t sported in a year, or since last year’s failed Valentine’s day.

She’ll Want Romance, Not Dick

She’s gonna want you to throw down your romance game. You’ll probably need to bring some flowers, good luck finding water for them at your dirt hole restaurant.

She will want you to open doors for her and tell her how pretty she is. You’ll need to hold hands at certain junctures.

You will need to make lots of deep eye contact, but not so much that she thinks you want to peel her skin off and use it as a coat.

You’ll Have Shallow Talk For Hours

She’s will tell you about her grandma that collects albino hamsters. You’ll recall the time your flight was delayed because of Hurricane Katrina. She will tell you that she likes snow, but only the fluffy kind. You will explain how you think that ice cream deserts cause your kidney stones.

It’ll be fantastic, thrilling, and intriguing.

You Won’t Get Laid

I mean, this is really the hardest of the cold hard facts, is it not?

You will not end up getting laid.

So THIS won’t end up being you.

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Not unless you meet her on Fuckbook.

This could have been the only reason I listed, but then my article wouldn’t be totally legit. But if you read this reason and remain set on wasting your life for hours at some dirt hole, with a boring girl who doesn’t want to fuck, then you deserve everything you get!